The Boys in the Lotto Lab were chilling at the Lotto Lair in their jammies quaffing a few root beers and having their semi-annual semi-final arm wrestling championship. Life was good as they dozed off dreaming of FINALLY hitting the big one. Suddenly, they were startled awake when numerous e-mails slammed into the Lotto Central Communications Center. They arrived at precisely the same moment from multiple points around the globe.
The Boys assumed their numerous creditors had finally launched a coordinated final assault upon the Lotto Lair. They spent the next several hours getting their story straight before the inevitable knock on the door. Hours passed. The Boys fidgeted, fussed and argued amongst themselves late into the evening until the sun broke over Flower Mound early the next day.
The Boys then decided it would be wise to have a look at the e-mails.
Much to their surprise, numerous alert players had written to let The Boys know the United States Government was hiring a:
Planetary Protection Officer
Could this be? Could it be possible? The Boys have long dreamed of a cushy government job just like this. A federal government job no less, with ill defined responsibilities. The Boys were confident they could make it up along the way. It’s EXACTLY what they’ve been doing all their lives.
It’s every professional lotto players dream.
As loyal players know, The Boys have already taken steps to ensure the Continuation of the Lotto in the event of a nuclear holocaust. Now that they’ve assured that nothing will stop the drawings on this planet, who better than The Boys to guarantee that nothing other worldly will halt the drawing anywhere in the universe?
Before The Boys spent any time designing their new uniforms, they wanted to assure that the position was on the level. From time to time their loyal players will prank them. They headed to the Flower Mound Public Library and began scouring the internet for verification of this once in a lifetime opportunity.
After several hours of multi-player asteroids, the librarian entered their private study room and told them they had to leave, pronto. Just before they were ejected, they did a quick Google search and verified the reports. Their research revealed separate confirmations in the UK Independent, USA Today and Business Insider.
As loyal players know, The Boys have a flair for style. They contemplated getting a day job a few years back. While they were a thumping success as ordained ministers with some of the most attractive head gear in Texas, circumstances beyond their control doomed their life of service to the clergy.
Bad news for the Ministry. GREAT news for NASA!
Now that the availability of this comfy US Government Day Job was assured, The Boys went to work on their application.
From Business Insider we learn:
The position was created after the US ratified the Outer Space Treaty of 1967, specifically to support Article IX of the document:
“States Parties to the Treaty shall pursue studies of outer space, including the moon and other celestial bodies, and conduct exploration of them so as to avoid their harmful contamination and also adverse changes in the environment of the Earth resulting from the introduction of extraterrestrial matter and, where necessary, shall adopt appropriate measures for this purpose.”
Part of the international agreement is that any space mission must have a less than 1-in-10,000 chance of contaminating an alien world.
The Boys are giddy. Unless they are CERTAIN, and I mean CERTAIN that their interstellar travels will not contaminate an alien world, they just won’t go. By erring on the side of extreme caution, The Boys may never have to leave the Lotto Lab. Even if they receive a communication direct from an amorous alien cutie, they just won’t go.
They’re prepared to make whatever sacrifices are necessary for their country.
They rushed out to splurge on new pajamas.
From the UK Independent we learn the requirements of The Boys new position:
The job post reads:
“Planetary protection is concerned with the avoidance of organic-constituent and biological contamination in human and robotic space exploration.”
When The Boys read this, they were absolutely astounded. They’ve been avoiding robots, organic constituents and biological contamination all their lives. They found a Twinkie they had presumed lost a few years back when they redecorated the Lotto Lair. It was in perfect shape and just as tasty as the day they bought it.
There was nothing organic there.
Upon concluding the Twinkie investigation, they double checked the contents of their other basic dietary staple. According to the FDA label, their jumbo box of frozen burritos contains:
- Refined Sugars
- Red Dye Number 6
- Artificial Sweeteners
- Carbonated Synthesizers
- Pure Processed Cheese Food
Again, there was nothing organic there.
To be absolutely sure of their conclusions, The Boys took a quick lunch break to see if there was any need for organics of any kind. They concluded that there was not. Eating these tasty burritos is like eating manna from heaven.
If it’s good enough for Moses, it’s good enough for The Boys.
From USA Today we learn:
The incumbent is:
“Responsible for the leadership of NASA’s planetary protection capability, maintenance of planetary protection policies, and oversight of their implementation by NASA’s space flight missions,”
To prove to NASA that they possess the unique mission critical qualifications for this position, they stand ready to present all of their Lotto Research for peer review anytime, anywhere. In fact, they intend to provide the space agency numerous overflowing paper sacks of unpublished “eyes only” vital research they’re confident will make them the ONLY choice for the position.
Finally, also from USA Today, we learn the job comes with a six-figure salary ranging from $124,406 to $187,000 annually.
This is where The Boys intend to play hardball with NASA. As the space agency will receive the services of not one, but THREE Lotto Professionals, The Boys will insist on a smidge above the upper range of $187,000/year.
Wish them luck…. In the meantime….
Next Time… Fer Sure!!
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